Asshole tax
by Rainbrat
Summary: //SasuSaku// "If any girl can stand your son, I'll worship the ground she walks on." Because 'I love you' is just so at the point of redundancy. Seriously.


_SasuSaku._

_

* * *

_

_Watch your step, because if I do, it'll be a miracle_

_-Maroon 5-_

_-_

_-_

_-_

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!"

The Uchiha raised his eyebrows perplexedly. "Of just what, exactly?"

"Um, um, um... THAT INO CAN, LIKE, HUG ME WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF MOLESTATION."

"Sakura, that was _one _time. Let it go already."

"Yeah, but.." Her small arms flailed against his-

(muscled, smexy-)

thin shoulders. "YOU _ARE_ JEALOUS!. Jerk-off" She added, for good measure, skipping ahead of him in the aisle.

"Stop yelling." The newspaper-

(He was rather enjoying the comic section, despite himself.)

was placed back on the rack. "Is that all?"

"No." Sakura declared, rather excitedly. "You're jealous of her, um, boobs!"

-

-

(totally.)

-

Asshole tax.

By:

**R**ainbrat.

-

-

-

"You're fucking serious?" The pink nail polish found its way back to the shelf. "I'm jealous of the female anatomy?"

"Um, you swore." She reminded him, painfully cheerful. "And yes, you are. You wish you had boobies too, but you don't."

He replaced the stuffed care bear into it's original spot wordlessly, pushing the shopping trolley along.

(...)

-

"Sooo, you molest people because of your deep infatuation with boobs. Well, actually you molested Naruto, which was kind of hot but- MPH!"

"Do. _not. _remind. me." He removed his saliva covered hand quickly. "I think you just raped my hand with your tongue."-

(likeeeee he didn't enjoy it. 'Cos seriously, he does. It's all good.)

"Psh, that's what you get for going all sixty-nine on Naruto, MPH-" The hand was just as quickly replaced. "SON OF MIKOTO AND FUGAKU UCHIHA, DO NOT DO THAT!"

.

(Lip balm: Shelved.)

.

"That's new."

"Uh... well... Freakin' observant, aren't we? Now, go buy me something with tassels."

Groan. "Tch, no"

G.L.A.R.E. "Sasuke, tassels. Now. Consider it asshole tax." The girl smirked triumphantly, patting her gaping companion lightly on the cheek. "Off you go Sasu-butt."

...

Oh no she _didn't_

(um, yes she did, bitches!)

...

(RAWR!)

'Sasu-butt' stalked off down the aisle.

-

(_Toilet paper, Puma sneakers, Jigglypuff Plushie, toxic-waste green underwear, plastic plates, blue nail polish, Fight Club, Katy Perry album, kiwi shampoo, cherry breath fresheners, strawberry flavored condoms)_

_-_

Despite needing some of the items, Sasuke was pissed. Therefore, they quickly found their place back on the super-market shelf.

"That is not tassle-licious." The girl inspected the trolly critically upon its return. "SON OF MIKOTO AND FUGAKU UCHIHA, WHERE IS ALL MY STUFF?"

"I replaced it." He snapped, loosing the small ammount of patience held in reserve. "Consider it 'bitch tax'."

"Oh, do _not_ get clever on me." Sakura took a closer look. "All that's left is... tomatoes!"

(EWWW! Fecking ugly!)

Sigh. "..What, pray tell, is wrong with tomatoes?"

"They're like, fugly and stuff. Seriously, they're, like the most uncool fruit ever! Freakin' duh!"

"...It's red."

"Your powers of deduction amaze me."

"It's red.' He deadpanned irritably. "I thought you liked red."

...

_D_ie!

...

"Sakura, open the door!"

"NO, YOU JERK-OFF!"

"Look, I _said _I was sorry."

"And I _said _to fuck off!" The pinkette wailed dramatically, a large bang following her demand. "We've been dating for like..."

"Six months?" Sasuke offered dryly.

"Yeah, that, and you don't even know what my favorite color is!"

"Tch, do you know mine?"

"..."

"It's black, for the record."

"AHA!"

"Oh, do tell."

"BLACK ISN'T EVEN A COLOR! IT'S A SHADE! SO THERE!"

Despite the defiance in her voice, the Uchiha was fairly sure she didn't have the sheer will power to stay locked up in _his _room forever. "You can't stay in there forever, Sakura."

"Yes I can!" She shrieked back through the wood, giving the door a vigorous rattle. "Now, where do you keep your nail polish?"

...

('cos it's seriously depressing, when your boyfriend is more effeminate then you.)

...

(Psh, penises don't count.)

...

_//Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?  
Don't cha, don't cha?  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was wrong like me?  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?  
Don't cha, don't-//_

The phone was flipped open with a snarl.

-

Incoming call:  
_GirlI'dliketobang_

_-_

Accept call?  
**Yes**/No

...

"Ho boy, this'll be good."

-

-

"Now you're calling me? Ever heard of _exercise?_"

"Gah, if I scream anymore, my voice will lose it's silky smex-iness and you do not want that. And I'm totally fit!"

Sasuke turned disinterestedly to the microwave. "You get puffed from running up escalators."

"OH MY FECKING GOD BI-ATCH, DO NOT GO THERE! IT WAS A DOWNWARDS ESCALATOR!" The (codename: Ice bitch) Uchiha flinched inwardly, pulling out the pop tarts in disgust. Apparently, people ate these... _things."_

_"_The fuck did you do to my ring tone?"

Giggle. _"Don't you love it? I think it was worth every ($6.78) cent. And my screen name is like, totally the smex."_

"Sakura, I have three words. Fuck. a. tree."

Pause. _"Uh, with you in the middle?_"

Sigh. "Get down here _now._" Sasuke took a large bite of the pop-tart, shuddering at the taste.

(silence.)

And then.

"SON OF MIKOTO AND FUGAKU UCHIHA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING?"

Smirkkkkk. "Pop tarts, Sakura. There's a whole packet lying on the counter."

-

**S**hr_i_e_k_

(Sasuke Uchiha, you _sonofabitch_!)

-

Prepare to evacute body in:

Five

Four

_T_hree-

"Fuuuuuuuck!"

-

Rubbing his bruised shoulder vehemently, Sasuke (read: asshole) shot a venomous glad at the equally infuriated pink haired girl. "First, you like, abuse me and then you eat my pop tarts! You're the worst boyfriend ever."

"How many guys have actually been able to stand you?"

"Uhhh." She shoved the boy violently once more. "Shut up! I could like, take you to court for that! Seriously."

_Boyfriend number 1 _smirked just a little harder, as Sakura turned back to the television set, pop tarts clutched protectively in her hands. "Ah, Abbs, how I missed you. Isn't it time we stopped the abb-less people?"

(Why is she looking at him like that?)

"Are you saying" Tone: dangerously low. "He's hotter then I am?"

(silence.)

Scowl. "You'd marry him, over me?"

Sakura patted the boy reassuringly, grinning deviously. "I'd marry _your mum _over you, no offense."

Harsh.

"Oh, are the two love birds having a tiff?" Enter: Uchiha Itachi in all his flaming (Emphasis on 'flaming') glory, giving the pair a smirk that put the younger Uchiha to shame. "Stop talking and start popping those Uchiha brats already."

-

-

Prepare to die of embarrassment in:

Five

Four

Three..

-

-

(When Itachi (synonymous with: Bitchface) smirks, _run._)

-

"Uh, seriously Itachi, you suck." The pinkette twisted around to face Itachi, rolling her emerald eyes comically. "Sasuke's, like, tiny anyway. It'd be like doing... Karin."

"I see." Frown. **Glare! Glare! Glare!**

(what is that, eye sex?)

"So I shouldn't be shopping for baby gear anytime soon?"

His question was met with a scowl and a small pointed tongue from the Haruno girl, hands folded neatly in her lap.

"Babies." He nodded towards the ceiling.

"Uh yeah, babies right back at you."

"No." The older male rolled his eyes. "I mean go get crazy like a pair of rabbits on Viagra up there."

"Sakura." The smaller of the males hissed, eyes narrowed. "Unless you want to see copious amounts of blood, go upstairs into Dad's office, lock the doors and wait for me there."

And it sounded so sincere coming from his mouth, Itachi just _had_ to say it. "What, hot desk sex? Kinky."

With a small snarl, the girl was snatched from her seated position and dragged from the room.

-

(-"Let's play house."

"You be the screen door and I'll bang you."-)

-

"See, _this _is tassel-licious."

And audible groan errupted from outside the screen. "Sakura, those clothes are size six. Take it off before you bust open a seam or something."

The (somewhat delicate. EMPHASIS!) screen was thrown aside vehemently, revealing a stunning faded pink dress, that (despite his manliness) did look rather pretty. Oh yes, and the girl attached to it. He should probably focus on her now. "Sasuke-kun, you are like... uneducated in the knowingness of what is fashionable. So _shut up."_

Groan. "I don't know about you, but I grew out of dress up when I was... five."

S.M.I.R.K. "You played _dress up. _As in, for real? The great Sasuke Uchiha played-" The boy caught her by the forearm, pulling her off the bed, giving a small smile as she tumbled into an ungraceful heap on the floor. "Ouch. Bastard."

"You deserved it." Sasuke strode over to the door, rattling at it. "Take that thing off."

**Rattle, rattle.**

"Shit."

_Rattle, rattle!_

"The door isn't opening."

"No shit, Sherlock." The rosette haired girl ran to aid the boy, pulling at the door handle desperately. "Um, help, someone? ITACHI!"

_//Don't cha wish your girlfriend-//_

The phone was once again flipped open with a snarl. "Itachi?"

'_Mmf. Mmf. Mmf.'_

_(Trapped, confused, angry, pissed off, killItachidead)_

"What?" Sasuke gripped the phone tighter. "Fucking open the door now."

Sakura shook her boyfriend vigorously, growling into his ear "What's he saying?"

"He wants me to impregnate you."

Calm, rational thinking- "I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH SASUKE YOU ASSWIPE!"

-Because sometimes the sanest thing was to go insane.

"You fucking liar."

-

("I'd like to thank to the academy.")

-

"Itachi, you are an asshole."

"Least you don't have to live with him."

"But he wants to be impregnated by you which is- SON OF MIKOTO AND FUGAKU PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRT BACK ON!"

"..."

"Touch me, an its coming off."

-

"I'm not above believing Itachi locks girls and boys in a room to bang each _for fun."_ The pinkette groused, fingering the lace of her skirt gingerly. "But is there like, a divine plan that interwinves on you impregnating me?"

"Homosexuality." The Uchiha shot back moodily, throat sore from the constant death threats/swear words screamed at his elder. "He can't have children. _Someone _has to carry on the Uchiha family. And thanks to you and your_ fucking_ great plan to _fucking_ tell him I can never have _fucking_ children, we're stuck in here till I impregnate you because if I _fucking _don't, Dad'll blow a _fucking _fit, then Itachi will be _fucking _in for it."

(fuck.)

"Soooo not gonna happen."

"Psh, I figured." He jumped a little as Sakura's tiny fists connected with his thigh. "Son of a- WHAT?"

"You mean you _don't _want to have sex with me." She uttered a chocked sob. "You don't _like _me? You'd better be gay."

"You said you didn't want to have sex."

"Yeah, but like, it's the thought that counts! Jerk."

"I can't win with you, can I?" He took aim with a pillow, throwing it at her (over sized) forehead. "If I _was_ gay, Dad would disown me."

Sakura peeped out from under the covers (um, makeshift fort, much?) "That, like, sucks. I mean, seriously, you couldn't pay me asshole tax, then."

(cue bombardment of pillows.)

"Hn, Itachi is an ass-"

"Not that!" Sakura rolled her eyes, climbing to her feet on the bed. "Itachi should be like, as gay as he wants to be. Totally."

-

_Sasuke- 1_

_Sakura- Nine fucking thousand._

_-_

_Fuck._

She had that look in her eyes.

The look she had when-

(_She caught him and Naruto in a suggestive position and sent the picture to every girl in school.)_

-thing went terribly, terribly wrong.

"No."

"Uh, yes?" She waved a manicured hand around the bare walls, grinning evilly. "Do we have any paint?"

"You are NOT painting rainbows on my parent's bedroom walls."

"Pfft, of course not, I mean geez, I'm not that much of a bitch."

(Inner! Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief.)

"That's why you're gonna do it for me."

-

(-"Alright, put your hands right..."

"Right here, Sasuke-kun? Does that feel better?"

"Hn, yeah. It feels good. Alright, your turn. You do it"

Giggle. "Okay. So, right there..."

"Ah- Hurry up!"

"Sorry, sorry! Is it hurting?"

"No, it feels... okay. Just hurry up and get it over with."

"Alrighttt. Okay, I'm done."

"Okay, put your head down here...-"-)

-

The door was thrown open with a bang, as Shisiu put on his best-

_(horrified, disgusted, terrified, sickly.)_

-professional expression. "Okay first, that is utterly disgusting, second this is your _parent's room _and thirdly you need con-"

Two very confused faces slowly blinked up at him as the boy slowly crawled off of the twister mat, rubbing his foot. "Hi to you too."

The girl, was a little more welcoming, charging forward, and before Shisiu could respond, flinging her arms around his waist. "Oh god, my savior! Take me away! Please, he's driving me crazy."

Clearing his throat, Shisiu nodded as formally as he could. "We've had complaints." He consulted his notebook. "Of a lot of noise coming from this house. 'Oh god help me, I'm being locked up here, this is kidnap, I'm being kept prisoner with an asexual jerk-off of a boyfriend, somebody help me'. Care to explain."

If looks could kill, Shisui would be halfway to the morgue by now. "Itachi." Sasuke snarled, storming past the two.

"Ah, but of course." Shisui took a harder look at the walls and blanched. "Miss Haruno, are those... rainbows? You painted _rainbows _on the walls?"

"No." The pinkette replied simply. "The paint ran out about half way, so we had to use nail polish." She gave the man another quick hung before bounding out of the room in search of her fuming companion.

-

Mikoto Uchiha was not the best at the stereotypical womanly duties. She could drive a grown man to tears with a ball point pen and handle herself perfectly in a dark alley while _still _looking like a super model, but-

-

(-"Mum, on the behalf of those of us with a _gag reflex, _I'll cook from now on."  
"Mikoto, why don't you take a break and let me do the sewing? _Again_."  
"Hey, no offence, but I'll take Sasuke to school from now on, he might get there i_n once piece_."  
"Mum, when burn marks on clothes become a fad, I'll let _you_ iron."-)

-

Household jobs were not her forte. However, she was confident in her match-making abilities, and her knack of finding just the right women or men in Itachi's case (LGBT mum, hell yeah!) for her sons.

From their days in the sand box, their mothers had dragged Sasuke and Sakura (kicking and screaming) to every play date, every children's movie, every group activity and opportunity for chibi! Sasuke to court his pink haired friend (citation needed.)

And when said pink haired girl comes running after said son, shrieking obsenities at his back, you know you've done a bad job. "WHERE IS HE?" Sasuke roared, hands fisted and ready. "Where the fuck is Itachi?"

"He and his boyfriend are doing something." Mikto mumbled absent mindedly, distracted from her sons lack of grace in her house. "Sakura." She caught the girl by the wrists, dragging her back into the kitchen. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong? Your son is a complete and total... ugh, retard! I mean, some people have a life. I mean, like, I love you guys and all, but your lineage is seriously suffering if you don't un-gayify Itachi 'cos no girl, or heck, even guys could stand your son for like, five minutes."

Despite her nervousness, the situation was not at all new to the female Uchiha. "I mean, what sort of boy doesn't know his girlfriend's favorite color? And eats his pop tarts?"

"Fugaku?" Mikoto guessed.

"Funny. But seriously." She finished up, taking a large, elaborate bow. "If any girl could marry your son, I'll worship the ground she walks on."

Mikoto listened to this with a slightly terrified expression on her face.

-

(-"Come on Sasuke-kuuuuuun."

"Get off of me, you freak.")

-

"Fugaku..."

"Yes?"

"Hide the birth control."

-

-

* * *

*Bows*

Wheeee, this was fuuuuun to write :D It basically just wrote itself. Yes, I made a gay Itachi. PEOPLE, BE LIKE SAKURA, SASUKE AND MIKOTO! Seriously, silly Fugaku :(


End file.
